My Bologna Has a Second Name--It's S-T-E-W-A-R-T!

Let's hear you make a chant out of that one, Gwen! Holla back at us, girl!

Blue Skies 4-eva!

Greetings, Friends!

And welcome to the First Annual Blue Skies Forever Stewart-off! This idea was born when we came across a headline reading "Stewart to Replace Rock as Host of Oscars." Immediately, our mind went into overdrive. Stewart? Stewart? Who could that be?

Strangely, we did not think of Jon. Further, we must admit our disappointment that he was the Stewart selected. After all, we can see him any weeknight. But what about all of the underappreciated Stewarts out there? Surely there is an audience for them, no? Thus, we decided to hold our own selection process to see which Stewart should host the Academy Awards. The results might surprise you.

Without further ado, we present the First Annual Blue Skies Forever Stewart-off:

Number 6: Rod Stewart

A 1970s sex symbol. Dragon above, Dragon below!

Number 5: Tony Stewart

The favorite of Academy moderates, Stewart had the potential to win over that elusive demographic, the NASCAR Dads.

Number 4: Patrick Stewart

He's more than just the guy you picture on the other side of that gloryhole.

Number 3: Martha Stewart

On next week's "Martha Stewart's Living", Gwen Stefani will be paying a visit. Watch as the Harajuku Girls and Martha's yes-people make things out of bananas, while Gwen seranades them with an a capella version of "Don't Speak." Plus, Gwen dresses up the girls in tracking bracelets to match Martha's.

Number 2: Dave Stewart

Actual behind-the-scenes Academy conversation, jotted down by intrepid reporter Pinto:
James Lipton: I would have preferred Jimmy, but Dave won 22 games in 1990. I think he may still have it.
Uma Thurman: (sighs) Well, at least he'll be better than that other Dave.
Carrot Top: (Laughs uproariously)

And the winner of the First Annual Blue Skies Forever Stewart-off is...

French Stewart!

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