Exclusive: From Inside the Bowels of the Military-Industrial Complex

Blue skies forever NEWS has obtained an exclusive interview with "Tony," an engineer at one of America's largest defense contractors. Tony is the head of several important projects; he likes to say that he has his "sticks in a lot of fires." Of course, you know your fires burn hot when Air Force generals fly cross-country to view a PowerPoint summary of your latest opus. Or did you say that the summary was your opus? We're confused...

In fact, Tony's output is so prodigious that his supervisors seem not to mind when he puts in a 20-25 hour work week--every week. Nor when he takes his favorite beach towel out to the corporate lawn to catch a few mid-afternoon Z's. So what is it that makes Tony--and our nation's military--tick? It's more than just your tax dollars, Dear Readers. Buckle your seat belts, because a blue skies forever NEWS Exclusive is about to begin.

Tony

AO=Anchorman Ourself


AO: We think the first question on everyone's mind is, "what makes Tony tick?"
Tony: To be honest, it's the duckets. That and keeping America safe. But get this: I recently acquired a library card. I'm planning a trip that takes me to each branch of the library in one day allowing only one bus route between consecutive branch visits. Its an optimization problem of great proportions--and not without public benefit.

AO: Indeed. And what are you doing to keep America safe?
Tony: My best work has been behind a thin layer of latex. I use a condom every time.

AO: We're feeling safer already. Tell us a little about the documents you brought us.
Tony: Well, these diagrams are from my biggest project, The R----- Network, which was recently praised--internally, of course--by Air Force General ______. But they may have been removed from the PowerPoint presentation he viewed.

Tony's diagrams

AO: What do they depict exactly?
Tony: I thought you said I wasn't going to have to answer any stupid questions. [Here Tony attempts to leave, though we manage lure him back with some skin magazines that Science Man left in the Green Room]

AO: Why might the diagrams have been removed from the presentation? The R----- Network was your project, no?
Tony: When I submitted the initial document, I received a number of angry e-mails from from the St. Louis office. They were displeased with the diagrams. We had a debate as to the meaning of the word "model." My supervisors suggested that I take a class entitled "Mastering Personal Effectiveness."

AO: Did you take the class?
Tony: I didn't feel I needed it.

AO: Your earlier comments suggest that you were not present when General _______ viewed the PowerPoint.
Tony: I was in the cafeteria.

AO: Nerves?
Tony: No, hot chocolate.

AO: Obviously, you deal with science every day. Science Man was named Scientist of the Year for 2004 by blue skies forever, among others. Are you familiar with his work?
Tony: I am familiar.

AO: What's next for Tony?
Tony: The persistently good weather poses some difficult questions. I have devised activities for the cold, rainy weather (hot chocolate in the cafeteria) and activities for the warm, sunny weather (beach towels and shut-eye) but I am not sure what to do with the cold, sunny weather of late. I believe tomorrow we're screening episodes of The Office in our lab.

There you have it, Readers. There you have it, Taxpayers. In a democratic society, it is imperative that the citizenry be informed. Enter blue skies forever NEWS.

We'd like to thank Tony for his time and his willingness to share classified documents. This has been a blue skies forever NEWS Exclusive.