End of the Year Awards

Since the year is ending, and since Grandma always said that the only thing that people like more than lists is awards, and since she also said you can't have too much of a good thing (or of two good things combined, right Grandma?)...


Best Name: Dick Pound

The chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency, Mr. Pound had a strong 2004. And even though 2005 is unlikely to provide him with as many chances to shine, we believe he will be a top candidate in this category for years to come.


Most Overrated Movie: Napoleon Dynamite

Almost everyone we know who saw this movie loved it. We thought it was a Saved by the Bell episode drawn out to 90 minutes and yearning to be a clever indie flick; a heartless imitation of the works of Todd Solondz and Wes Anderson; a paint-by-numbers appeal to wanna-be hipsters, with its moon boots and A-Team theme montage. The movie tosses itself comedic softballs in the form of one-dimensional, self-absorbed nerds; it clowns them like a bully would--and asks its audience to laugh along. After about 75 minutes of this, it expects its audience to cheer for those nerds--and against the popular kids who laughed at them for the same reason the audience did--for the last 15.


Fantasy Baseball Team of the Year: The Douche Bags

We feel we deserve an e-pat on the back for the job we did managing our fantasy baseball team. Our lovely girlfriend has insisted that, as a result of our rather focused and determined behavior this summer, we will not be allowed to have a fantasy baseball team next year. As she is not the boss of us, we generally do not let her tell us what to do, but perhaps she is onto something with this one. Nevertheless, have a look at our lineup:

C: Javy Lopez
1B: Travis Hafner
2B: Michael Young
SS: Carlos Guillen
3B: Eric Chavez
OF: Vladimir Guerrero
OF: Manny Ramirez
OF: Carlos Beltran

SP: Johan Santana
SP: Oliver Perez
SP: Carlos Zambrano
SP: Freddy Garcia
SP: Mark Buerhle
RP: Francisco Cordero
RP: Brad Lidge

Can you believe we assembled this team in a league of ten players! Move over, Billy Beane!


Scientist of the Year: Science Man


Where Are They Now?: Perley King

Usually "Where are they now?" pieces are titled rhetorically, rather than earnestly, as pleas for information. Also, it is rare that such pieces--or any typical feature stories--are given out as awards. Nevertheless, this may be the exception that proves the rule, or just the exception that rules! But you don't have to take our word for it.

One Saturday morning in the year 2000, eight-year-old Perley King woke up to find that there were no Cheerios in the cupboard. As Cheerios were his favorite cereal, he did what any bold and resourceful eight-year-old would do: he got the family dog, stole the keys to his sister's car, and attempted to drive to the grocery store, alternately pressing the gas and lifting himself to see over the dashboard. The highlight for us, however, was the picture of Perley that ran in the papers:



People may have found the story cute, but as you can see from the picture, Perley wasn't fucking around. Today he should be about 12 years old. If anyone knows what he's up to, we'd love to hear it.

Well, that's all for this year, folks. Have fun tonight, and don't drive drunk.