A Fruitful Discussion

William Safire, the former Nixon speechwriter who occasionally converses with his purgatory-interred* ex-boss via cellphone, recently announced his impending retirement. Naturally, this made us think of the Squad Squad, the "elite group of tautology spotters" upon whom he relied to be "hunters of prolix tautologies." How will they police without Safire's column? Will they be lost without a leader? Or are they like Al-Qaeda or a hydra, able to survive a decapitation?

Further, of what do Squad Squad meetings consist (assuming they occur)? Do they spot tautologies, or just revel in them? (It appears we have a sufficient quorum! [laughter, applause] Either this meeting is adjourned...or it is not! [here! here!]).

We find that thinking about this reminds us of when we were young and we used to construct hypotheticals about russian doll television shows or movies (what if there were a show about a show about a show...?). Was this inspired by our parents' bathroom, 3 walls of which were mirrored, creating infinite reflections?

In those younger years, we liked to ponder several other seeming imponderables. (In explaining the frustration that the triangle offense caused opposing defenses, Shaquille O'Neal said, "Our offense is like the pythagorean theorem: there is no answer."). Curiously, we somehow inferred the Cartesian mantra and then reversed it, resulting in the following question, to which no one, not even our parents, provided a satisfactory answer: Since we cannot imagine what it would be like to be the brick, because the brick does not see or feel or think; since no one then can be--or is--the brick, how can the brick exist? (One may apply this formula to other inanimate objects, but we generally liked to focus on the bricks behind the wood stove, next to the television).

Perhaps we asked these questions because they were easier and less painful than others, such as "why are they laughing at us?" or "why does Dad always call us "goddamnit"? (here, Bill Cosby was helpful, at least in providing validation). Or, to ponder something Donald Rumsfeld would term an "unknown unknown" (Squad Squad: discuss), "why won't we get laid until our 20s?"

Indeed, this has been a fruitful discussion.


* According to Safire, Nixon is in purgatory, expiating for having delinked the dollar from the gold standard.